Having the what now?
by Adenil
Summary: House finds out about all the gayness going around in the hospital and doesn’t join in. House/Taub fanfic..
1. Coming Out in Droves

Author's notes: A one-shot I wrote forever ago. House finds out about all the gayness going around in the hospital and doesn't join in. I really want to continue, but don't know where to go with it. Any suggestions?

* * *

"So, are you and Wilson having sex?"

House tripped over some unseen thing on the floor and crashed to the ground face first, not even bothering to put out a hand to break his fall. He scrambled to a sitting position and glared at the speaker. Thirteen reached out a half-hearted hand to help him up. He didn't accept.

It wasn't so much the question, or even the suddenness. It was the speaker that had House rattled. Taub was not the person he had expected to voice this concern.

"Are you and Foreman?" He spat, suddenly unable to come up with a more witty response.

Taub glanced at Foreman, who shrugged. Taub turned back to House, who was now standing, and gave him his usual bland look.

"I wouldn't call it that."

Suddenly all eyes were on him. Kutner was staring open mouthed at him and twitching in a strange way with one eyebrow. Thirteen looked at him for a long moment then turned to Foreman and crooked her head to one side.

"So that's how you knew." She smiled, nodding. "You can't have your radar go off unless you have criteria to base it off of."

House blinked once, twice, and then a third time. He shook his head. "Any who, no. Now, on with the case!"

"Everybody lies," Taub smiled a tiny smile that barely registered.

Kutner swung his head to stare intently at Foreman. Foreman gave him a confused look and drew back slightly. Kutner reached out and poked Foreman in the arm. Hard.

"Ow, hey!" Foreman slid his chair away and glared at Kutner angrily. "What was that for?"

"You said you didn't swing that way so I was totally justified in the revenge-poking." Kutner nodded to himself and turned back to House. "The case?"

House didn't answer. He glanced carefully at each of his fellows and tilted his head to one side, frowning and smiling at the same time. "Okay, here's an idea. Raise your hand if you haven't slept with someone of the same gender as you."

No body moved.

House blinked and pulled out his pager. He typed something in and looked back at the assembled masses with new found interest. "So tell me, Foreman, what about the last group?"

"You mean Chase and Cameron?"

"No, I mean Spock and McCoy. Of course I mean Chase and Cameron." House spat out and glared at him.

Foreman shrugged again. "Well I don't know about Cameron, but Chase was so flaming he was on fire."

Thirteen sat up a little straighter. "I know about Cameron."

She quite suddenly had the full attention of every man in the room. "Really?" Kutner asked, with a sparkle in his eye that spoke volumes.

Thirteen rolled her eyes. "Not because of that." The other four looked sad and leaned back. "Cuddy told me."

Now she had House's undivided attention. "Really… Interesting."

On that note, Wilson walked in looking a bit harried. "What's the big emergency, Foreman?"

Foreman looked confused and felt his pocket. He frowned. "House, give me my pager back."

He rolled his eyes and tossed Foreman his stolen pager back. "Whatever. Wilson, we're taking a survey. Question: are you gay?"

"Depends."

"Uh… on what?" Taub looked around the table and then back at Wilson.

"What are your parameters? Because if it counts if you've only done it once then that one time at band camp clearly qualifies me."

"Once counts," House told him. "More than once counts more."

Wilson winced. "More than, I guess."

House blinked at his team, then at Wilson. He looked at the ceiling. "Chase and Cuddy and Cameron, too…" He turned to his white board. "She's got Bavarian flu. Taub, go treat her."

"Why me?" He asked, ignoring the fact that House had suddenly come up with an answer when in two days of deliberation he had produced nothing.

"'Cause the thought of you and Foreman together is _not cool, man._" House shuddered and began to erase the symptoms from the board while at the same time erasing the image from his mind. When he finished he set off for the door. "And all this gayness is spreading. We need to, like, quarantine or something." He pushed open the door and marched down the hall to the elevators.

He had to get out of here, and protect what little heterosexuality he had left.


	2. Heterosexualityness

Author's notes: Revengent suggested a Haub fic, so that's the direction I will take this. I'm a sucker for under-appreciated character, and after Geordi LaForge (Star Trek: TNG), Taub is the most under-appreciated EVER. I'm used to Hilson, so we'll have to see what I can pull off here.

Enjoy.

---

House had no where to go. The walls were closing in on him. Laughing faces floated closer to him. People were _smiling _for Gods' sake. It was horrible.

And it was spreading.

Somehow, weather by luck or pure chance, he had escaped the affliction that was, well, afflicting the hospital.

He was still (kinda) straight.

After that mornings little outing of basically everyone he knew, House was a little shaken up. He had gone to the clinic, of all places, to see if the world was still the same otherwise. It was.

House had never been so glad to wipe a runny nose or swab a possible infection in his life. The clinic patients were still stupid and annoying, the world wasn't completely crazy. Well, it was, but at least it was normal crazy.

After an exhausting ten minutes treating patients, House decided this problem needed addressing. He walked to the nurse and dropped off his files.

"Doctor House, running away screaming at ten twenty-three."

"It's ten twenty-two," said the nurse behind the counter. She was a cute young thing, someone House had only seen a few times before.

He leaned in, squinting at her until she shifted uncomfortably. "Are you one of _them?" _

"What?"

"What's your boyfriends' name?" House decided to ask something more politically correct.

She frowned. "My _girlfriends _name is Alice, but thank you for assuming."

House leaned back, frowning. "I may already be too late." He turned elegantly on his heel and marched to Cuddy's office. "Cuddy!" he burst through the doors.

Cuddy jumped and shuffled some papers around. "What?" she asked annoyed.

"Stop being a Lesbian. Wait, that sounds weird coming from me. Uh, stop spreading the love? That's weird too. Hmm," House trailed off, unable to think of how to best word his outrage.

"House, what are you on? I'm not a Lesbian."

"Oh really? Then what's this I hear about you and Cameron?" House pointed an accusing finger directly at Cuddy's left breast.

Cuddy's face turned red, a blush that spoke volumes. "I don't know what you're talking about!" she spluttered.

"Oh, man." House collapsed into a chair. "Am I the only one left standing straight?"

Cuddy finished hiding her paper work from House's prying eyes. "Alright, I know you'll deny everything but, what's wrong?"

House glared. "Shows what you know. I'll only deny _most_ things." House sat up a little straighter, preparing to tell his tale. "Here's the thing. Everyone I know is Gay. In high school, like hangs out with like, so what does that say about me?"

"House, this isn't high school."

"Wanna bet?"

"And," Cuddy ignored him. "One person in your life is not everyone."

"So you admit it?" House waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"_No _I don't admit anything. I'm talking about Cameron."

"Here's the thing; I didn't just barge in here with baseless acquisitions, I know for a fact because I asked my team." House frowned.

Cuddy paused, considering her options. "Well, what about Wilson?"

"The band camp got to him. Plus a—" House shuddered. "Few more times… It isn't like I'm asked for much! Just a few straight friends to confirm my manly hertrosexualityness."

"Is that word?"

"It is now." House crossed his arms, pouting like a child. "Thirteen is obvious, you and Cameron are bunking and not sharing photos, Kutner is after Foreman, Chase is a fire hazard, and Taub and Foreman are _baking cookies."_

Cuddy blinked. "That's a new euphemism coming from you. And haven't you heard? Taub and Foreman broke up like two minutes ago. Foreman is going after younger meat, namely—"

"Don't tell me. I don't want to know."

"Maybe this is good for you." Cuddy leaned forward, placing her chin on a hand. "Get you out of your shell."

House started to nod, but managed to catch himself. "You just want me and Wilson to hook up like you've been pushing for the past three years."

"It would win me a lot of money."

"Yeah, because that's definitely an incentive for me." House sighed. "If I hook up with someone, it'll be because of love and all those other mushy things, not because we'll win you a new revealing shirt."

"House…" Cuddy paused, seeming confused. "Have you got your eye on someone?"

"No!" House crossed his arms, looking away.

"You do! You haven't talked like this since Stacey. Who is sh—uh, this person whose gender I cannot pinpoint?"

"No one, like I said. Oh!" House jumped up, looking at his bare wrist. "Look at the time, got to go!" He left post-haste.

"You can't hide forever!" Cuddy called after him as the doors swooshed shut behind him.

House limped away dramatically, muttering under his breath.

"I take it back; this is worse then high school ever was."

---

There will be more, so tune in!


	3. Obligatory Patient Scene

Author's notes: I do my best/worst writing at two in the morning, which is when this whole thing was written. Do any other writers do this?

ALSO House/Taub is now to be referred to as Touse, because I think it sounds more like a fatal illness.

"I'm sorry, sir or ma'am, but you've got a case of the Touse, the only treatment is to read every one of Adenils' House fanfics and review them. God be with you."

---

Taub consulted his chart of magic wonder and medicine before scribbling down the cure all he had just given the patient. Thankfully Bavarian flu was completely curable, and they had gotten to it in time.

Taub was just about to take his leave when House limped in. He took one look at the unconscious patient and snorted. "She dead?"

"No," Taub rolled his eyes. "She's unconscious; the fact the treatment is a sedative should have tipped you off."

"Right," House tapped his cane on the ground. "Back to the plot. Does your wife know you're a raging homosexual?"

Taub blinked slowly, tilting his head to one side and smiling ever so slightly. "What wife?"

"Hmm," House hummed. "You know the canon one?"

"Oh, that wife! I think you mean ex-wife. She… left me." Taub looked sad for a moment. "She could forgive the cheating, but not this." He frowned.

"Isn't this a comedy? Snap out of it man!"

"Oh, er, right. Well, actually she left me for a younger man who turned out to have a horrible case of AIDS and he was gay, I think you met him. Nice guy went fox hunting with his dad a lot. Anyway, long story short she now works in northern Canada as a student of mortuary science."

House blinked. "That must be a long story. There were not enough details for me to even slightly understand where that went."

Taub smiled. "Anyway, still clinging to what little heterosexuality you have left?"

"Yes. I mean, I have a lot of hetersexualityness. I'm _full _of the straightness. Fear me." House made a clawing motion with one hand. "Rawr."

Taub continued to smile and look pleasantly confused. "Right. Well, best be off then."

"Sure."

"Right."

"Yep."

"I'll just be going."

"Okay."

"Right."

"Sure."

Taub and House stood staring and blinking at one another. Finally Taub walked out of the patients' room and into the hallway.

"See you soon."

House stayed behind, watching the monitors beep slowly with the steady rise and fall of the patients' chest. "Well," House said to himself. "That worked."

---

Author's notes: Haha, they are so OOC. Oh well.

Also, I have a plot! Yay! I'm writing more as we speak, so you should see the next few chapters up within a couple weeks. Yay!


	4. Accosting Wilson

Author's note: *sniffs the air* I smell a plot brewing.

---

"So, are you and House having sex?"

Wilson was sure that if he had been walking he would have fallen flat on his face. As it were, he merely turned and gazed, wide eyed, at the man addressing him.

Taub certainly knew how to get to the point.

"Are we _what_?"

"I could list a million euphemisms, but basically my question stands. Are you and House having sex with each other?"

"No!" Wilson exclaimed, wondering if he had responded too quickly. "Why would you say that?"

Taub shrugged, smiling a smile that revealed less than nothing. "Well, it is pretty clear that House is indiscriminant and you have been friends for longer than anyone at the hospital can remember." He stopped smiling. "Often a friendship like that can lead to a romantic relationship."

"Well," Wilson cleared his throat. "It didn't. We aren't in a relationship, sexual or otherwise."

Suddenly Taub beamed, and Wilson was left half stunned by the brightness of Taub's smile. He had never known the man to smile like that about anything. "Great!"

"Why is that great?"

Taub simply laughed and made his way toward the door of Wilson's office. "See you around, Wilson."

Wilson nodded to himself as the door closed behind Taub. Something was going on here, and he decided it was his duty to find out what, if only to protect House from Taub's strange attitude.

To say nothing of the obvious humor that was sure to result.


	5. Who do You Want?

_Soft hands are sliding up his back, fingers wrapping in his hair—surgeons hands, surgeons fingers, he reminded himself—searing lips pressed against his own, then pure joy._

Suddenly House snorted awake, glancing around his office. He undraped his leg from the foot rest in front of him and popped a vicodin.

He ran a hand through his hair. Who had he been dreaming about? It wasn't as though it were a rare occurrence for House to have such dreams, but there had been a decided lack of breasts and/or groping involved.

Definitely not Cuddy, then, or Wilson (don't ask…)

In fact he could rule out all the women of his team, past and present. House popped another pill and uncricked his neck.

It had been a surgeon.

He remembered the hands, fine tuned and steady.

So not Kutner, Kutner was an idiot.

The body had been shorter; House recognized the way the other person's nose had pressed against his. A sort of upturned thing that was required for the other body to stretch and reach his lips.

He licked his lips.

Not Foreman, then. Foreman was freakishly tall.

That left the Aussie, and his latest, shortest, addition to his team.

Taub.

The second his brain thought the name he knew that Taub had been the one in his dream.

House snorted because, _whoa_, those were some weird thoughts to be having about _Taub_ of all people. He was just about to delve deeper into the mystery when the glass door to his office swung open, revealing a harried Wilson.

"Okay, what's going on here?" Wilson placed his hands on his hips and glared sullenly at House.

House did his part and feigned innocence. "I don't know; what?"

With a sigh Wilson whipped one of House's desk chairs around and sat down heavily. "Would you care to tell me why Taub of all people is questioning whether or not you and I are having sex… together?" Wilson made a poking motion with one hand.

House let his head fall back and he sighed. Taub was getting too frisky for his own good. "I don't know."

"Does this have something to do with the twenty question routine this morning?"

"It… might." House crossed his arms petulantly. "He asked me the same question earlier today."

"Why?"

"How should I know?" House quashed a small hopeful voice in his head that said it was because Taub like him, and really did want to run those surgeons fingers through his hair. "He's a weirdo."

"House…" Wilson sighed. "Look, you can't work effectively with someone if you're constantly going to act like they're weird because of their sexual preferences."

House allowed his confusion to show on his face. "What do you mean?"

"Well…" Wilson shifted. "Clearly you aren't comfortable with the fact that everyone you know is… gay. I've never known you to be homophobic, but…"

All the ellipses in this conversation were driving House mad. "Oh, shut up. That isn't why I'm uncomfortable."

Wilson blinked. House blinked back, realizing he had just said something very incriminating.

"Then, why—"

House abruptly stood and left his office, Wilson scrambling after him. He walked efficiently to the elevator and slammed his finger into the "down" button. Wilson came up beside him.

"Seriously, House, if you need to talk about anything I'm here."

"Whatever," House grunted.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. House sighed as he saw who the occupant was.

Taub, of course.

Taub smiled his normal flat smile, but this time House detected something a bit more real beneath it. "House, just who I was looking for," he said.

House crowded into the elevator, casting a pleading look at Wilson, who seemed to catch the hint and followed him.

"What do you want, Taub?"

Taub's smile curled slowly into a predators grin.

"You."


	6. Lightbulb over Wilson's Head

"House? House!"

House abruptly snapped out of his daze. "What?"

Taub rolled his eyes. "I _said_ I wanted you to look at this file for me." Taub handed him a file.

House accepted the file guiltily. His imagination seemed to be on overdrive today. As soon as the file was in his hands he realized he was acting out of character. He wasn't _supposed _to accept the file.

He opened to file, glanced at it quickly, and then closed it again. "There, I looked at it." He started to hand the file back to Taub.

Taub wouldn't have any of that and quickly shoved the file back at House. House responded in kind and what resulted was a shoving match between the two of them. Wilson was soon backed up into the corner of the elevator to escape the flailing of limbs as House and Taub tried to shove the file onto each other.

Suddenly, a light bulb went off above Wilson's head.

"Oh my God!" He pointed at the two of them, looking a bit scared.

The other two paused to stare incredulously at Wilson.

"What?" House asked.

Wilson was saved from having to answer as the doors to the elevator swished open. He made his escape quickly and efficiently, dancing around Taub to avoid the file still clutched between the two of them.

They watched Wilson run off and the elevator doors closed once more.

House frowned and looked back at Taub, who was looking at him strangely. He dropped the file.

"I'm not looking at it."

Taub took a step forward, then another, and then another until House was pressed against the wall of the elevator. House raised his hands in defense and Taub deftly slipped the file between his fingers. House had no choice but to take the file.

"Whatever," he said. He opened it and scanned the file quickly.

House sighed. The file actually looked vaguely interesting. Vaguely being the key word.

He slammed the file shut and looked up. Taub was still just inches away. He didn't comment, simply frowned at the shorter man.

"Run a CT on her lower abdomen and you should see the problem." He handed the file back.

"Thank you."

The both stood perfectly still, staring at each other. House wished desperately for Taub to take a step back. By that same note, he wished desperately for Taub to take a step forward. He was feeling very conflicted.

They stayed like that for a long moment, neither willing to exit or enter the others personal space any further, until the elevator doors opened. Taub gave a ghostly smile and disappeared through the doors with one last fleeting look at House over his shoulder. Someone else, a nurse, walked through the doors and pressed a button.

House managed to wait until the doors closed before sinking to the floor.

He ran a hand through his hair. The nurse gave him a funny look. He ignored her in favor of wallowing in self pity.

Why couldn't life just be easy for once?


	7. Flirting?

It didn't take long for Wilson to hunt House down.

"House!"

House flinched, momentarily glad he was alone and no one saw his moment of panic at the sound of Wilson's voice. Wilson blew into his office with an interesting look on his face and stood, once again, with his hands on his hips.

"Explain."

"Well you see, Jimmy, when mommies and daddies love each other very much sometimes they decide to make a baby. Now sometimes that baby isn't quite right in the head, but that's okay we love you anyway."

"No, explain about you and Taub."

"We've already established that he's a weirdo, what else is there to explain?"

"Why are you flirting!?"

Hmm, now that was a good question. Why was House flirting with Taub? It could be because he liked to see grown men squirm in annoyance, but Taub had yet to show signs of annoyance. It could also be that House simply liked Taub in that special ways that caused so many men to pledge undying allegiance in the form of "I do." But by that same token, did he really believe that he, of all people, had a loving attraction for the strange creature named Taub?

House realized he had been quiet for too long and slapped together a response.

"Why, Jimmy, are you jealous?"

"No!" Well, he certainly _looked _jealous. "Why are you flirting with each other?"

House blinked. "With each other?"

"Yeah, you flirt to him, he flirts back, you both ask everyone you know awkward questions, then the flirting commences again. Why are you both acting so strangely?"

House took a moment to consider.

His moment up, he started to actually think about what Wilson said.

House didn't have any idea what to do with himself. He wasn't used to having actual emotions for people, loving or otherwise. Sure, he was good at faking hatred but he rarely actually felt the emotions he so readily emulated.

He frowned a bit more. But then, Taub was apparently flirting with him. It had been a while since a non-female entity had come on to him, or since any entity had come on to him, so it had completely gone over his head. But if Wilson had noticed it, it must have been either extremely obvious or heart wrenchingly subtle. House was leaning towards the obvious.

"House?"

"I need to check on my patient." House rose from his seat.

"You haven't got a patient."

"Well, I need to go find one then. Don't worry, the plot hole will open near me soon enough and deliver a fresh new unknown disease," House said sarcastically.

House practically ran from his office and this time, Wilson didn't follow.


	8. Wilsons' Fake Pink Goodness

Taub found Wilson in the cafeteria staring blankly at a container of strawberry yogurt with a plastic spoon jutting from it. He slid into the seat across from the oncologist and smiled demurely.

"Have you seen House lately?"

Wilson didn't take his eyes off of the yogurt. "Not for a while."

"Okay."

He paused. The pause took on a life of its own. The pause drug on through the ages. The pause went through puberty. The pause had its first girlfriend. The pause got married. The pause took out a mortgage on its house. The pause committed several violent crimes for which it was never caught. Six children and twelve grandkids later, the pause lay gasping on it death bed.

Wilson killed the pause, with a knife.

"Why?"

Taub glanced up. They had both been staring at the prop—er, yogurt. "Why what?"

"Why House, of all people?"

Taub smiled softly. "Can we ever really choose?"

Wilson poked his yogurt. "I chose."

"Three times."

Annoyed, Wilson looked up. "What I mean is you have a choice. It isn't like House is your only option. In fact," He shrugged. "Most people wouldn't even_ have_ House as an option."

"Still not a choice."

Wilson tugged his yogurt close to him and eyed its fake pink goodness. "He used to hang out on the roof a lot. Right up until Stacy left the second time." Wilson glanced up. "He might be there."

"Thanks," Taub said, rising. "Have fun with your… yogurt."

Wilson eyed his yogurt as Taub walked away. Was the yogurt a metaphor for something? He took a bite.

"Nah…"

/////

Author's Notes: This may be the last update for a while. I've written a few chapters ahead, but I have to work through a rather large plot hole I've developed. If you're lucky, there will be one more update tomorrow, then another in September. See you then!


	9. Mandating the Man Date

"Want to go on a man date?"

House turned and nearly tripped and fell _again._ He glared at Taub. "Will you knock that off? It's annoying."

The wind tussled Taubs' short hair. House shivered. It was a bit nippy out.

"Do you?"

"What?"

"Want to go on a man date? I figure a man date would be better to ease you into the situation. More your usual style, eh?"

House huffed out a breath. "What the hell is a man date?"

"You go on them with Wilson all the time. I understand even Chase got into your man date pants. Bowling, was it?" Taub blinked at him.

His responses to that sentence were limited to what wouldn't make him blush. "I'm not going on a date with you." Well, at least he wasn't blushing too badly. Maybe the darkness hid the blush from Taub.

"Not a date. A _man _date. You know, like with monster trucks and… I actually can't think of anything else that wouldn't be strangely homoerotic."

House laughed. This entire situation was surreal. "Monster trucks are pretty homo—you know what, no, I'm not going there." He ran a hand through his hair and stepped down from the ledge he had been leaning on. "No means no."

"Your mouth says no, but your body—" House brandished his cane at him. "Also says no. Okay, not the best start."

House ignored him in favor of running away. Or rather, limping away in an angry fashion. They exited the roof area and wandered down the single flight of stairs. House pushed open the door and walked into the corridors of the hospital. It was late, so no one was really around.

Taub was following him. It was times like this House wished he could run in a serpentine fashion, so as to loose Taub in the non-existent crowd. House continued walking until he got to his office. He threw open the door and gimped in. He started to grab up his things.

"It could be fun," Taub told him. "We'll make a day of it."

House turned around to glare at Taub. Half way through the motion he noticed that Taub was leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, in a very attractive manner. The cad. His glare turned to a star-struck look of lust.

"Uh, no." He managed to force out.

He shouldered his back pack and pushed past Taub, making a beeline for the elevator. He mashed the elevators button in annoyance until the doors opened. He stepped in; Taub followed. He was alone with Taub.

"Go away."

Taub leaned in. "House, come on. What do you have to loose?"

"Nothing I can go into right now. This isn't an Angst and/or hurt/comfort story."

Taub blinked. "What?"

"Never mind." House averted his gaze. "What would we do?"

The elevator began its decent as Taub broke into a huge smile. "Anything you like. And I do mean anything."

House twitched and, ohmygod was he blushing? He coughed lightly. "I'll get back to you tomorrow. Right now, I need sleep."

"Okay." The doors swished open. Taub stepped back. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

And House ran… er, limped away into the sunset.


	10. Nothing Homerotic About That

////

"Volleyball," Taub deadpanned. "Beach volleyball." He blinked in the harsh sunlight. "_Women's_ beach volleyball." He glanced at House. "This is what you choose for our man date?"

House shrugged. "Nothing homoerotic about that."

"No, I suppose not."

House was annoyed because Taub was not annoyed. Taub was _supposed _to be annoyed at the lack of date-like quality to their non-date, which definitely was not a date, and didn't even look or sound like a date and crap House was on a date.

House led him to the bleachers and eyed them with a critical gaze. He needed a place he could stretch out his leg while at the same time seeing all that women's volleyball was cracked up to be. You know, allof it.

"How about over there?"

House glared at Taub, who was very over dressed for the occasion. He had on a neatly pressed dress shirt and khaki pants. How dare he dress nicely for their non-date? Then House glanced at where Taub was pointing. His glare intensified. How dare he pick the perfect spot?

House limped over, his cane slipping and sliding in the sand. House, unlike Taub, was perfectly dressed for the occasion. Dark wash denim and a black tee-shirt with nonsensical words of Latin on it. Unfortunately, he had been nervous about the non-date (which was certainly not a date!) and had actually spent time picking out his clothing for the day. He never did that. Ever. Not even that one time.

He glanced at Taub. He hoped Taub didn't downgrade his cool factor by being so, well, _not_ cool. Taub smiled back at him. How annoying.

He arrived at the stairs that led to the seats that Taub had indicated.

It was only six or seven steps up. But to a man with a cane, those six or seven steps seemed much bigger than need be. He placed his cane on the first step and made his way up. His anger simmered hotter, he could practically _feel _Taub want to help him up the stairs.

He didn't get the chance.

"Hey handsome, you need a hand?"

House turned, his eyes focusing on who he needed to kill as his mind worked over time on how he could not get caught doing it. "What?" he spat out.

The man accosting him was young, mid twenties, and buff. He smiled. "Well, your boy toy isn't doing anything, so I thought I'd offer my services." He simpered (simpered!) and moved closer to House. "You up for it?"

House felt as though his brain had just run away screaming. "What the hell?" There were so many things wrong with this scenario. He thought he heard Taub snickering in the background.

"Well?"

"What makes you think we're together?"

"Besides the obvious?" House wanted to throttle the man. There was nothing _obvious_ about it, because there was not "it." The guy smiled. "Well, you two are pretty obvious."

House leaned in, hoping to portray pure unadulterated anger and not confusion. "I'm at a women's volleyball match. Why would I come here if I were gay?"

"I'm here with my boyfriend." The man indicated some far distant point over his shoulder. "So why can't you be?"

House was having a hard time processing it. "Whoa, back up. You said you're here with your boyfriend, yet you were clearly trying to pick me up not long ago—what the hell?"

"What can I say?" He simpered again. "I like older men."

"What's your boy friend say about his?" Taub finally joined in on the conversation, having laughed quietly long enough.

"We have a very open relationship."

"Not that open."

The man whipped around. "Honey!"

"Don't _even_ look at me." The new addition to the conversation (simpering man's boyfriend?) turned and stalked off.

"Wait, I can explain!" The man paused before running after his wayward lover. He slipped a piece of paper in House's hand. "Call me." He winked. Then he ran off.

House was dumbstruck. Taub had taken up laughing hysterically again. He glanced down at the folded piece of paper in his hand and shook his head. "Let's just sit down."

Three more steps up they finally arrived at the perfect spot Taub had picked out earlier. They slid onto the cool metal bleachers, House extending his leg on the bleacher in front of him, Taub a little to close for comfort.

"I bet it's a 555 number."

"What?"

"The phone number he gave you." Taub indicated the paper still clutched in House's hand. "Take a look."

"I—oh, all right." He unfolded the paper and smirked. "555-1701." He kept reading. "Oh my God."

"What?"

"His name is _Chad._"

Taub burst out laughing and this time, House joined him.


End file.
